Lately there has been something nagging me. I can't for the life of me figure out what it is...
I spend a lot of time by myself. I guess it might seem a bit sad to others who are always heading out and catching up with friends, but I really do enjoy spending time by myself. I get a lot of time to think and reflect on my life and my self. Particularly in things such as yoga and film and psychology I find myself searching inward, trying to find that path to follow, the one that is mine, find my niche I suppose. Or even more than that... I suppose I've always had a massive need to understand things, to understand everything in it's entirety. This could be viewed as a weakness or a strength. On one hand, it causes me to learn, to investigate, to seek the unknown and broaden my horizons... On the other hand it also causes me to stress, to become perplexed easily and to look down upon myself when things are beyond my comprehension level. I guess heads really do take a while to clear. So I suppose what I'm searching for is a way to clear my head? To really have totally clear thoughts and know where I stand with myself as opposed to the chaotic bouncing of ideas and thoughts that usually occupy my time and head.
I want to find that thing that will flip the switch in my head. I feel like once I find this, my life will make sense... And I know that somehow, somewhere inside me I know what it is... I just can't seem to pull it up into my consciousness.
Wednesday, 19 December 2012
Sunday, 14 October 2012
I just would really love a year where I look more into photography and buy an awesome camera. Where I can study film and make short films, submit them and maybe get my name out there. To do a creative writing course, and write short stories, maybe start a novel, write poems, study literature and educate myself on the best things in life.
Saturday, 6 October 2012
Updating.
Wow a lot of time has passed since I last posted on here. Well not really, only a month or two or three. I'm trying to think of what has happened and what I have accomplished in the last month or two... I started and have been working as a chiropractic assistant and learning about the professional business world I suppose. Been more interested in natural health solutions. I've tried another yoga class and have been getting back in touch with my old self.
I had a weird moment the other night where I started crying out of nowhere and I had a sudden overwhelming feeling that I'd somehow 'come back'. I don't know, it's really hard to describe but I feel that a huge blanket has been lifted off of my eyes and I somehow feel back and more present in my life now. Which is a huge plus.
I've also just been thinking about how I really want to live my life. I suppose doing what every young adult does and think about where they are going and who they are and where they fit in. I guess you could say I'm a bit of a lost soul. I really want to another course related to acting/media/filming. I enjoyed Actors Ink a lot, and would like to do another to just meet people, but I want to maybe do this one year intensive course on Film Production based in Queensland. It looks fucking awesome. And I'd like to do a makeup course, just so you know, I could actually do my own makeup properly.
I'd love to do a cooking course, just so I could actually cook beautiful vegetarian meals and learn a bit more about nutrition and healing my body through the natural world. I want to continue psychology, but I think maybe I'll put it off a year or two and just have fun doing courses and working while I'm this age and can afford to fuck around for two or three years after high school before going to uni thing. To have fun, explore the world and myself. I think it'd take more than a year, like the traditional gap year.
So I'm heading to Canada the end of December this year till the middle of January. Hitting Whistler for skiing and spending time in Vancouver and San Fran before heading back. I'm looking forward to it, and have saved just over one grand, so I'll reach my goal of taking 2 grand away no problems!
Well that reminds me, I need to apply for a first aid course and get my police check so I can apply to a babysitting agency. I get about two nights a week work through family friends and contacts I've made but I didn't have any this weekend for the first time in months so it was weird! But if I can get more work that way I plan to move out the end of January a week or two after we back. Just pick a house or apartment that I could afford per week $100-150 would be preferable but I think I could maybe afford $200... only if split between me and 1 or 2 or 3 other people. In a good location, and that means I can buy some furniture and really set myself up with a few young people that I would't mind sharing living space with.
I just, I know that moving out will be the right decision for me ultimately. I know that at first I will bludge and bum around but it'll ultimately make me take responsibility when I realise there's none that will do my laundry or buy the groceries or make dinner for me or make sure we have soap. It'll be on me and I'll HAVE to get out of bed and into the world each day. I'd love two or three days and nights in a row off of work just so I could chill.
I'd love to fit my house out with a plasma tv and a nintendo 64 and ps3 and ps2 and so many great games like Rachet and Clank and Spyro and Crash Bandicoot and classics ugh, it'd be great. And I could fucking smoke if I felt like it and not be looking over my shoulder. And I could smoke weed without wondering if my parents would smell it on me. And I could invite a girl back to my house because my mum is just that nosy and bad that she'd probably come in in the morning to drop some laundry on my fucking bed.
I need this independence and I just need a decent enough income to start living the way I want.
Oh yeah, and I need to lose weight, shit, the whole reason I opened this blogspot thing was to complain about how fat I am. It's actually really horrifying though, like I am OVERWEIGHT and really disgusting looking. My stomach is so big it looks like I could be several months pregnant, my boobs are disfigured by stretch marks and I have scars all up my arm. My thighs are the size of vesuvius and my arms look like disgusting tuck shop lady arms. My stomach folds in the most horrifying way. I am morbidly obese and I want to be rid of all this fat that coats and layers my body like a thick sludge.
I had a weird moment the other night where I started crying out of nowhere and I had a sudden overwhelming feeling that I'd somehow 'come back'. I don't know, it's really hard to describe but I feel that a huge blanket has been lifted off of my eyes and I somehow feel back and more present in my life now. Which is a huge plus.
I've also just been thinking about how I really want to live my life. I suppose doing what every young adult does and think about where they are going and who they are and where they fit in. I guess you could say I'm a bit of a lost soul. I really want to another course related to acting/media/filming. I enjoyed Actors Ink a lot, and would like to do another to just meet people, but I want to maybe do this one year intensive course on Film Production based in Queensland. It looks fucking awesome. And I'd like to do a makeup course, just so you know, I could actually do my own makeup properly.
I'd love to do a cooking course, just so I could actually cook beautiful vegetarian meals and learn a bit more about nutrition and healing my body through the natural world. I want to continue psychology, but I think maybe I'll put it off a year or two and just have fun doing courses and working while I'm this age and can afford to fuck around for two or three years after high school before going to uni thing. To have fun, explore the world and myself. I think it'd take more than a year, like the traditional gap year.
So I'm heading to Canada the end of December this year till the middle of January. Hitting Whistler for skiing and spending time in Vancouver and San Fran before heading back. I'm looking forward to it, and have saved just over one grand, so I'll reach my goal of taking 2 grand away no problems!
Well that reminds me, I need to apply for a first aid course and get my police check so I can apply to a babysitting agency. I get about two nights a week work through family friends and contacts I've made but I didn't have any this weekend for the first time in months so it was weird! But if I can get more work that way I plan to move out the end of January a week or two after we back. Just pick a house or apartment that I could afford per week $100-150 would be preferable but I think I could maybe afford $200... only if split between me and 1 or 2 or 3 other people. In a good location, and that means I can buy some furniture and really set myself up with a few young people that I would't mind sharing living space with.
I just, I know that moving out will be the right decision for me ultimately. I know that at first I will bludge and bum around but it'll ultimately make me take responsibility when I realise there's none that will do my laundry or buy the groceries or make dinner for me or make sure we have soap. It'll be on me and I'll HAVE to get out of bed and into the world each day. I'd love two or three days and nights in a row off of work just so I could chill.
I'd love to fit my house out with a plasma tv and a nintendo 64 and ps3 and ps2 and so many great games like Rachet and Clank and Spyro and Crash Bandicoot and classics ugh, it'd be great. And I could fucking smoke if I felt like it and not be looking over my shoulder. And I could smoke weed without wondering if my parents would smell it on me. And I could invite a girl back to my house because my mum is just that nosy and bad that she'd probably come in in the morning to drop some laundry on my fucking bed.
I need this independence and I just need a decent enough income to start living the way I want.
Oh yeah, and I need to lose weight, shit, the whole reason I opened this blogspot thing was to complain about how fat I am. It's actually really horrifying though, like I am OVERWEIGHT and really disgusting looking. My stomach is so big it looks like I could be several months pregnant, my boobs are disfigured by stretch marks and I have scars all up my arm. My thighs are the size of vesuvius and my arms look like disgusting tuck shop lady arms. My stomach folds in the most horrifying way. I am morbidly obese and I want to be rid of all this fat that coats and layers my body like a thick sludge.
Friday, 10 August 2012
Sunday, 5 August 2012
ugh
like ugh, i hate feelings sometimes. fuckkkk. like yes, i have feelings for you, i've admitted that to myself. but i just... i don't think we'd be good together. at least not now. i can see you wasting your life and not giving a shit and heading back down a bad way when you started to get your shit together and i don't have time to help you right now. i can't be around someone with as little direction as you because i am constantly trying to get my life together. i want you, i am committed to you whether you're committed to me or not because that's just how i have changed, that's who i am now.
i feel like you don't appreciate me and i miss you, i miss being with you, i miss you when you didn't disrespect me and ignore me and i don't even know. all i ever want to do is kiss you and lay in bed with you, take care of you, but you just don't seem to understand that. probably because i haven't told you and i need to, i want to, but i'm not fucking talking to you when you're drunk off your tits 6 nights out of 7, never remember anything after your 6th beer, are constantly stoned and don't seem to really care about anything but yourself. i just, maybe this was never supposed to work out. it's been like 7 and a half months since you got back and in those 7 months you've been pretty much the only person i've wanted, or kissed or thought about. you definitely don't give a fuck about me, so why don't you just man up and tell me you don't want to be with me so i can get on with my life and stop crying over you and being a girl because i hate these girly emotions, i hate them so much.
i feel like you don't appreciate me and i miss you, i miss being with you, i miss you when you didn't disrespect me and ignore me and i don't even know. all i ever want to do is kiss you and lay in bed with you, take care of you, but you just don't seem to understand that. probably because i haven't told you and i need to, i want to, but i'm not fucking talking to you when you're drunk off your tits 6 nights out of 7, never remember anything after your 6th beer, are constantly stoned and don't seem to really care about anything but yourself. i just, maybe this was never supposed to work out. it's been like 7 and a half months since you got back and in those 7 months you've been pretty much the only person i've wanted, or kissed or thought about. you definitely don't give a fuck about me, so why don't you just man up and tell me you don't want to be with me so i can get on with my life and stop crying over you and being a girl because i hate these girly emotions, i hate them so much.
Monday, 23 July 2012
Currently
Hmmmm... I have many a thing on my mind tonight, yet none are fully formed or clear. I guess I'll just start randomly.
I got back from the snow yesterday from a trip with family and friends. It was so good to get away from Adelaide, to spend time with people that mean the world to me and to explore the world in a different way. I really love skiing, I just wish I were better at it. I feel that I have to battle my perfectionism every moment of every day in order to enjoy anything at all. But alas, whilst in the snow I do feel more serene, at one with nature and the world and with my true path, my true self. 'Stay true to thine'.
Skipping ahead, I cannot for the life of me figure out my romantic feelings. I'm not even sure if I have them, but I can't be certain I don't. All I know if that I care about you, very much so, that I am comfortable with you, that I never want you to leave my life as my friend. Whatever else happens in the course of us is irrelevant so long as we can enjoy each others company in some way shape or form. I guess I'm going to have to pluck up the balls and ask you how you feel about everything sometime soon. At least I know you've thought about it because you drunkenly asked me last week, not entirely sure if you remember though. Ah well, the time will come I guess.
I enjoyed the snow, I enjoyed the exercise and the burn and the feeling better about myself for actually exercising. I honestly feel as though I am ready to lose weight. Slow and steady. Healthily. I need to go buy some new scales. I feel as though after only a week my body has responded well and has changed shape already, I feel as though I look better and I guess that's what matters most. It's just that I want to lose weight so I like the reflection in the mirror better, so it's easier to move and twist and stretch, so it's easier to run like the wind and to exercise without getting puffed. I want to be strong and flexible and I want my body to become a well-oiled machine. I believe that I can do this now. Yet, I am not stupid enough to believe I'll be able to do it without support.
It's exciting though, because I have a job again and therefore money to buy clothes which is rather exciting, except for the fact that my body doesn't look good in many clothes... But it will. Eventually.
I'm fucking sick as, I've got a racking cough and so much flem is coming up, it's oh so charming. That's what a week of solid drinking and not enough sleeping will do to you though I guess. I had a lot more to say but I can't be bothered and I want to watch The OC.
I got back from the snow yesterday from a trip with family and friends. It was so good to get away from Adelaide, to spend time with people that mean the world to me and to explore the world in a different way. I really love skiing, I just wish I were better at it. I feel that I have to battle my perfectionism every moment of every day in order to enjoy anything at all. But alas, whilst in the snow I do feel more serene, at one with nature and the world and with my true path, my true self. 'Stay true to thine'.
Skipping ahead, I cannot for the life of me figure out my romantic feelings. I'm not even sure if I have them, but I can't be certain I don't. All I know if that I care about you, very much so, that I am comfortable with you, that I never want you to leave my life as my friend. Whatever else happens in the course of us is irrelevant so long as we can enjoy each others company in some way shape or form. I guess I'm going to have to pluck up the balls and ask you how you feel about everything sometime soon. At least I know you've thought about it because you drunkenly asked me last week, not entirely sure if you remember though. Ah well, the time will come I guess.
I enjoyed the snow, I enjoyed the exercise and the burn and the feeling better about myself for actually exercising. I honestly feel as though I am ready to lose weight. Slow and steady. Healthily. I need to go buy some new scales. I feel as though after only a week my body has responded well and has changed shape already, I feel as though I look better and I guess that's what matters most. It's just that I want to lose weight so I like the reflection in the mirror better, so it's easier to move and twist and stretch, so it's easier to run like the wind and to exercise without getting puffed. I want to be strong and flexible and I want my body to become a well-oiled machine. I believe that I can do this now. Yet, I am not stupid enough to believe I'll be able to do it without support.
It's exciting though, because I have a job again and therefore money to buy clothes which is rather exciting, except for the fact that my body doesn't look good in many clothes... But it will. Eventually.
I'm fucking sick as, I've got a racking cough and so much flem is coming up, it's oh so charming. That's what a week of solid drinking and not enough sleeping will do to you though I guess. I had a lot more to say but I can't be bothered and I want to watch The OC.
Thursday, 12 July 2012
All I want to do is pretend for a while, just so I'm not lonely.... And you won't even grant me that.
I just... I'd like to have someone in my life that I really truly loved and cared about in a romantic sense and someone that felt the same way back. It's so lonely being lonely. My dreams are filled with so many people and so many stories and every morning I wake up a little sadder that I'm not sharing my life with someone. I swear, anyone I have ever remotely cared about has never felt the same about me... Sure maybe they've been interested, maybe wanted to fuck, maybe called me beautiful once or twice. Yet none has ever stood before me and told me they wanted me. Ever.
That kind of fucking sucks.
I just... I'd like to have someone in my life that I really truly loved and cared about in a romantic sense and someone that felt the same way back. It's so lonely being lonely. My dreams are filled with so many people and so many stories and every morning I wake up a little sadder that I'm not sharing my life with someone. I swear, anyone I have ever remotely cared about has never felt the same about me... Sure maybe they've been interested, maybe wanted to fuck, maybe called me beautiful once or twice. Yet none has ever stood before me and told me they wanted me. Ever.
That kind of fucking sucks.
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